The tears will end soon, but they seem so long and lonesome…
My study regime has gotten so bad that I actually feel sorry for Tatsuhiko Takimoto. Not because I have aspirations to be a hikikomori, but the fact that I feel emotionally and creatively drained by the schoolwork that no longer has any joy in it makes me see where he’s coming from when he talks about facing his fears in the Welcome to the NHK afterwords.
I’ve tried to start editing my novel outline I’ve been working on for a while, cutting down hundreds of pages of irrelevant plot diversions to coherency, all the same while trying to find my own voice in my writing.
Every time my study overtakes my ability to write anything I feel sad, like it’s killing me. It’s like I have no purpose. Everyone else in the blogosphere seems to be more influential than I am. Maybe the isolation of studying at home has made me start thinking these paranoid thoughts I shouldn’t be having.
I read great posts from other bloggers all the time, but due to the Sword of Damocles that is my final HSC exam hanging over my head, I feel left behind by my blogger friends who are enjoying life after high school, while I feel stunted and irrelevant to the community.
I haven’t watched any anime in eight weeks. Eight whole weeks. It makes me really torn up inside when I realise the only anime related things I’ve been able to cover in these months are manga and light novels. My appreciation of the anime and manga subculture is still there, in the background, but I’ve been robbed of all leisure time to enjoy my hobbies by my studies.
Just yesterday I was so crippled by anxiety and stress I had to pass on a phone call from a University I applied for to my mother, because I was afraid the admin people would judge me for not knowing how to answer their questions or maybe I’d say the wrong thing and they wouldn’t give me a place, because I was worthless as a creative person trying to apply for an Arts degree at a University filled with more talented people than me.
Last night I spent restless in my sleep, more than usual, because I felt anxiety merely from existing in this world. I was paralysed with fear, like everything I could think of worried me somehow.
I do not want to become a hikikomori. I took some photographs of my messy and dusty cluttered room, thinking about how I wanted to change my life from the wreck I feel like right now.
I was given a digital camera for a graduation present. Graduation was a powerful experience. Yet I still felt trapped and caged, because my exams were not yet over. The day was anticlimactic.
I was feeling the same crushing depression I felt last year when my isolation and lack of contact with my schoolfriends too busy with their own lives to hang out with me, left me in the worst state of despair so far.
Why am I a graduate if I have not passed my final exams which I have not taken yet? My achievement feels so hollow, even though I have come so far, and my spirit is low.
For three more weeks I will be in this hell. I see no hope in it, only the hope that it will soon all be over. It is unbearable, when all my friends have long graduated while I am left behind to catch up.
Not even anime blogging is a solace for me when I have no time to rest or review anything. This is my darkest hour since 2008, the year I nearly had to go see a psychologist it was so painful.
I don’t want people to call me emo for this post, but I do want people to know I am not going to kill myself. It hasn’t gotten that far, but my mood has gotten black to the extent that I find Chuck Palahniuk’s jokes amusing. That’s a bad sign, at least for me. This isn’t a “look at me, pity me” post, I just want people to wish me well in this really hard time I’m going through.
Copyright © Jacob Martin 2009. All Rights Reserved.
8 comments ↓
[...] Excerpt from: Swamped by responsibility [...]
* pats * hang in there! ganbare and all that jazz. Remember that all these trials is just a phase, and however your life will turn out to be will greatly depend on the choices you make.
Oh, and do spend a little quiet time in prayer, it’s good for the soul
My entire time in high school consisted of wishing I wasn’t there and doing absolutely nothing with my life and being fully aware of it. To be honest, I still have no idea what the fuck I’m doing.
I had no desire to go to college, I only did it because I didn’t want to have to get a job and my parents would let me keep living with them if I was in college. But I have no plans – I’m just there so that I can stay here. I pretend like I’m going to hit it big as a director and start making money before I leave college, but how the hell will that happen? I haven’t even written a script yet.
Anime blogging is my way of beating myself stupid. I’m just sucking my thumb and loving the little time I have where I can be worthless before the entire world crashes around me.
My point is, I understand your pain – you feel like you are accomplishing nothing and still have no time for what you love. That was me in high school – no time for anything, and no care for what I spent my time on. However, while I’m enjoying my time as a worthless person who bathes in what I enjoy, it’s getting me nowhere. In a couple of years, I’ll probably hit complete rock bottom – could even happen next semester if my classes stop entertaining me.
We’re all walking on tightropes. Everyone’s life sucks for a lot of the time. I mean, ghostlightning just lost half of his house to floods along with most of his neighborhood. He’s still being excited because he has opportunities and a child on the way, but life is still a bitch.
What defines us is not how much our life sucks or is great, it’s how we decide to react. If it looks like someone like GL or I have anything going well, it’s only because we know how to smile in the face of hell.
As for your blog becoming influential, you just need to push it more. I tend to read blogs that comment on my blog a lot, so if you commented on me more, I’d read you more. That’s true for most people – comment on them, they read you. It also helps to talk to other bloggers over AIM and Twitter, or get on Google Reader shared items. It’s all about networking and pushing your brand. It took me 2 years to get anyone to read my blog, and it only happened when I finally started reading theirs.
Look at that graduation as a little helper to get you over the hump instead of seeing it as a hollow victory. You had to do two things, and one is out of the way. When you look at it that way, the hard part is done. Years of high school are over, now it’s only a test.
That is not a bad bit of hope, really. You know what I’ve been doing these past two months — it was only the light at the end of the tunnel that kept me going, and guess what? It came. Now I even have time to read your blog!
Remember to bathe, shave, dress nicely and eat right.
I know it sounds a little nonsensical after everything you’ve just said, but I’ve been through a similar experience to yours, and that’s the best lesson I took away from it. Once you look at yourself in the mirror and decide that you’re ugly, you’re already well on your way down a very dark road. And personally, from what I see of you here, I think you’re a lot better than that.
Take care of yourself. Then you can attack everything else, one at a time. That’s completely unsolicited advice from someone who wishes you well. Cheers.
As for your blog becoming influential, you just need to push it more. I tend to read blogs that comment on my blog a lot, so if you commented on me more, I’d read you more. That’s true for most people – comment on them, they read you. It also helps to talk to other bloggers over AIM and Twitter, or get on Google Reader shared items. It’s all about networking and pushing your brand. It took me 2 years to get anyone to read my blog, and it only happened when I finally started reading theirs.
The breath and your body, not the pose.
The feeling, not the tradition.
The journey, not the destination.
What are blogs for if not for self expression and to share your inner thoughts and feelings. With that said, don’t think anyone will look at this post the wrong way.
In fact, being swamped by overwhelming workload in the last month. I have not been able to do a decent post too.
Not just about the blog, but everything else was stretched to it’s limit as I got edgy. Every little thing in my family seemed to start a fight, friends ignore me and even I myself felt reluctant to go out as all I wanted to do was rest being too tired from work. Just lying on the bed, looking at the ceiling.
What I did was just to think of the things I would do AFTER it was over. And it kept me going. I wouldn’t say it’s over now for me now, but I’m starting to get the hang of it. And now know that I shouldn’t let the workload get to me.
Perhaps it would work for you? Try to think of what you want or would be doing after all this is over.
Just remember to take a breather in life whenever you need it.
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